I have been struggling lately with being where I am.
I am happy, I really am. I love my life and the people in it. I have an amazing husband, a loving marriage and wonderful children. I have so many blessing and I do thank God for them everyday. But I sometimes feel like we have ended up in a place we're not suppose to be.
I guess what I am struggling with is the decisions we made while trying to find happiness. These decisions didn't make me happy.... I ended up with the same level of happiness as before, maybe even a little less.
I struggle to BE HERE NOW.
Take my house for example... I wish we had never moved into our current house, I wish my kids bedrooms weren't so far away. Even though I do love so much about this home.. I often think we would be happier in a smaller house, with less to care for, inside and out. With rooms closer to each other and less wasted space Space to store stuff that either isn't ours or stuff we don't need. With some neighbors for me and for the kids, not living in a neighborhood can be isolating and lonely at times.
I wanted more space for stuff and more space between the kids and us, I wanted nicer and better and bigger, I wanted to get away from neighbors. Yes I wanted these things and I remember wanting them. But looking back I'm not sure I wanted them for the right reasons. I think part of us wanted what other people had. We thought we would be happier if.. we had a basement, if we had more storage, if we had more space, if we "moved up" like so many of our friends were.
I thought if I got all these things I would be happier. I did not create more happiness, I did create more stresses, more work and more distance. The truth is I wish I would have been happy with less, with smaller, with simpler, I wish I had just been happy with what was mine.
We were happy enough then, I just didn't realize it. My eyes were on the future, on the bigger and better. It was on where we were going next... not where we were. I think I was striving for the perfect and didn't notice that where I was could be perfect, if I had looked at it right. I didn't think that it was possible to just be happy enough, to just be here now and not need to be happy-ER all the time.
The thing is... happiness isn't what you have or where you go. It won't happen because you are in a bigger, more beautiful house. It won't happen because of what you acquire or what you don't, it won't happen if someone else would only do thus and such.
You are happy because you decide to be happy. Because you decide to be thankful and content with what you have and where you are right now.
If I went back to smaller, simpler and closer would I be any happier? I don't know. Maybe... maybe not. Maybe in some ways and not in others.
What I do know is this... Happiness is who you have beside you. It is the absence of always wanting more or better or even different. Happiness is being where you are and being OK with that. It is being able to look at your life with love and appreciation. It is often a choice, sometimes a struggle, but always comes from within.