Keeping it real....

I made a few changes to my blog. You see, I had set up an appointment to fancy up my blog a bit.... well then I backed my car into our RV in my drive way. So I decided I have no business paying to polish up my blog. Maybe i should pay to polish my backing ability.. ehem. Anyway.. with 2 cars in need of repair I had to decide to love my blogs imperfectness. So I played around on blogger to make it look new, to me! I even taught myself a few new tricks. Maybe some day I will get her some work done... but for now I must be content, which I am here... but everywhere else.....

Today is suppose to be WIWW. I am really struggling with this lately. I have put on 25 pounds this past year.. (This past year has had some really stressful moments!) I have been having a terrible time getting dressed, don't want to go buy new clothes because I am fat and am not loving pictures of myself. I think I really just noticed the past few weeks how much I gained... I guess I knew, I don't know... I'm sad because I have never been this heavy and I don't even recognize myself. Plus I see all these cute women in their cute clothes and it honestly depresses me.

With all that said... I won't quit. Yet. I have started exercising, I'm doing the 45 miles in July challenge and usually exercise makes me feel better. But somehow right now it is overwhelming me... because I already do not have enough hours in the day. Trying to find time to do it as well is stressing me out. I need new running shoes.. but oh wait... I wrecked 2 cars... so, yeah, I will wait.

Eating right is stressing me out just because I am stressed out, and when I'm stressed out, I eat... it's a vicious cycle. My house is in a shambles, my laundry is outa control and I feel behind in every area.  I backed my own car in to my own RV. Are you kidding me? I know it is because I feel so undone. But it just makes things worse.... I feel horrible about the trouble and cost of my stupid mistake.

I feel like I am always behind and I feel out of control. I feel like this is a pity party. I feel bad that you are reading it.

I honestly do try to see the joy and the good in my life but for some reason right now I feel like I can't. But I must. I want to be the mom my kids deserve and I said it last week.... A happy mom has happy kids. So I better get a grip. I think complaining is so unattractive... but well, sorry, I feel unattractive. I will be back to my happy self... I promise, I just need to get things into perspective.

Then a friend texts me with a great compliment about how sweet and polite my son is. A buck walks through my yard. Scott pulls me in close next to him while we watch TV. Maddie tells a silly story, in a way only Maddie can, that makes me smile. Doyle the dog gives me that look, that he understands and loves me... dog owners know the one. And I realize how silly I am being. How out of perspective I have gotten myself this week. How sweet and wonderful my life is and how I'm wasting it by being depressed about my weight. Yes, I weigh more than I'd like and more than I should. Yes I will stop feeling sorry for myself and get off my @$$ and do something about it.

First off I will get my house in order. I do know that if my house is undone I feel like my world is undone. I will keep exercising too.. I said I would and I can't let myself quit.  I need to establish some routine. I need to breathe deeply and focus on the big picture. I will relax and enjoy the rest of my summer, knowing soon fall will be in full swing... school, homework, soccer, cross country. I will miss these summer days.

So I don't have anything I wore this week.... The pictures were fuzzy and I put very little effort into WIW anyway, I know it would make me feel better if I did, so I will start again... 25 pounds and all.

Thanks for letting me rant... "talking out loud" always makes me feel better. It also helps me to see things clearer. I'm off to clean something, fold something and do some mileage. To breathe deep and put a stinking smile on my face!! ;)

I hope I haven't scared you all away.... I will be back... with something HAPPY tomorrow... promise.