Regrets and Fresh Starts

As I quickly approach my 40th birthday I have been thinking a lot about what I want the next 40 years to look like. Who I want to be and what I want out of this next chapter of my life. As I look back I can't help but have some regret. You see up until the last few years I have gone through life.. without much thought, without realistic expectations, without God and without reflection.

Im finding that honoring my regrets is how I learn. I can't go back but I can embark on this next phase with more intention, more wisdom and more grace.

I regret letting those mean girls in grade school into my head. I was and am good enough. I wish I hadn't believed them. In my teens I regret doing things to fit in, regret thinking I needed a boys approval to feel confident and wish I'd have tried harder in school. Early twenties brought a husband and babies. I so wish I had just slowed down. Worried less, played more. Stressed less and relished in this precious time. I wish I had been a wife first and a mommy second. My thirties brought me teenagers. Oh how I wish I had trusted my momma heart more and thought through my decisions more thoroughly when it came to parenting decisions.  I still wish I had worried less, and slowed doooown. They don't need to grow up so fast. I am still smack dab in the middle of this season and try everyday to learn from my past mistakes.

I do reflect on what I did right too. If my late thirties taught me anything it's that there is always good and we need to seek it out all day, every day and that we are all just doing the best we can with where we are and life is all about how you look at things.

When my babies were little,  I threw fun Pinterest worthy parties long before Pinterest. I read to my babies, sang to them, built Legos, learned the difference between a backhoe and an excavator. I let my girlie wear "glip-glops" shoes to the store, and ordered endless meals from her restaurant.
I now have a good relationship with both my teens. I have mostly found that balance between parent and friend. They actually like spending time with me, so some where I did something right.

I have learned in the last few years that serving my family and my husband is not a chore, it is my calling. Mowing the lawn so my husband doesn't have to after a long day at work is a privilege not a hard ship. I now know that marriage takes work and I enjoy working at it. It takes time and I make the time. That the few minutes it takes are worth it. That if we are ok, everything will be ok. I was not raised to believe this. This is new territory for me and I feel more confident in my role as I honor my own thought and belief about my life.

Years ago I wasn't happy even though I was living my dream life. I let toxic noise from toxic people into my head, I was going through the motions, when things went wrong I couldn't handle it. I knew there had to be a better way..  I just had no idea how to get there.

But God knew.. When my world felt turned upside down he showed up a clear as day so together we could turn it right side up, the right way. I learned that this life really is what we make it, with God anything is possible and your past or what people have told you do not determine your future. That some people don't belong in your life no matter how important they are to you and that running from trouble isn't the answer. But most of all that I can be happy right here right now even when things are messy.

The other day I was listening to the song by Mercy Me "I Can Only Imagine." It's about what we would do when we meet Jesus face to face. I imagined I would fall to my knees and simply say "thank you." The next time I heard that song I was in the midst of a storm, a messy, can't make it through this, I'm a failure storm... because yes, I still feel those storms, I just no longer let them consume my life. When I heard it I got tears in my eyes... Because as bad as things seemed in that moment I knew I would still fall to my knees and say, " thank you." Because even in that moment of despair... God is still good, I'm still ok, I'm still enough. Because I have seen dark times before and I'm still here now. Because this is my life and I'm choosing to fully live it, to feel it and make it beautiful..  even though it's ugly right now. Because He will still lead me in the right direction if I am still enough and quiet enough in my heart to listen.

 But mostly because earthly logic and solutions and ideas often don't coincide with Gods beautiful plan. Our quick to react, easy way out way of handling problems isn't His way. He knows life will stink sometimes and it will be hard, but that's also where the beauty comes. He makes beauty from ashes. I have learned that if I trust Him he will guide my heart and make beauty out of my despair.

Regrets are good and bad. I think it's good to ponder them, honor them, learn from them and fix what needs fixing. It's bad however to obsess over and beat yourself up over them. I hope to start this next chapter right where I am, with more reality, more Jesus and more joy.

A Golden Anniversary

15 years ago today I married the most amazing man. I can honestly say that I am more in love with him today than ever before.  He is  my best friend, a fabulous father,  a wonderful husband and he still gives me butterflies. It hasn't always been easy, sometimes it has been harder than hard, but I know together we are strong enough to make it through anything. I thank God every day for bring him into my life and for helping us through the tough times. I am thankful we didn't give up when times got tough and instead decided to make us stronger. Scott Johnson I feel blessed and honored to be your wife.  Happy anniversary babe! The best is yet to be!

Playing Hooky

I took my daughter out of school this morning. No she didn't need to go to the doctor or the dentist. She need love. She has had a rough start to the school year.We had a rough morning. She left the car feeling sad, and I felt horrible sending her out in the world like that. I wasn't the kindest most patient mommy this morning. We both needed it.

In all my school age years with my kids I have never done that. I have wanted to but in the 11 years (if you count preschool) I never have. My kids turned out fine so far and they have usually forgotten their bad morning by the time I pick them up.

This morning some wonderful Mommies on face book said why not and it got me thinking.. why not? If that's what we need what is stopping me... the thing is... I would have never even considered it before. I'm not suppose to do that.. I could get caught, school will be mad. You know what I am realizing?  Better late than never.. that somethings are more important than school. So what if she misses a half an hour or a half a day for that matter. Is what she would be doing at school more important than knowing I love her.. knowing I'm sorry, knowing she is important and special?

 Nope... it isn't.  My kids are at a pivotal age, every age is really, and knowing they have my love and support is more important than anything else. More important than spelling, music or math. They need this now more than ever. They need me.

 I guess my whole point is that we know what our kids need more than anyone... and judgment or expectations from others should never be an issue when it comes to being a mother. I'm not saying take your kids outa school every time you feel like you miss them or your morning doesn't run as smoothly as you'd have liked. What I am saying is listen to your heart when it comes to your kids.

My dear friend Mr. Mecham commented on my Facebook post about pulling my kid outa school to get a donut at Starbucks... here's some more great parenting advice from Mr. Mecham...

"Your'e a great Mom Shelby! Now that our kids are grown it's funny what they remember about their childhood, but those spontaneous expressions of love are some of their best memories. When thoughts like that come to you, it's usually an indication that you should do something! You will never regret it when you do."

You know what? I feel like a great Mom and I don't regret it one bit. God gave me a huge responsibility as a Mom so I need to do it with confidence and pride. I know my baby feels loved, special and important and that is my job. Believe it or not that, more than anything else is what will make her a kind, confident, successful adult.



Linking up with Parenthood this week

On Mommyhood

I have always wanted to be a Mom. I always knew that it was my calling. I do love being a mother more than anything, but honestly, it hasn't been as easy as I thought it would be. I never though about  the constant of it, the worry or the doubt.

About 5 years ago I made some comment on Facebook about how these kids of mine were making me crazy. I got a response from a man I used to work with before I had kids, he was also a  friend of my Dads. It made such an impact on me I wrote it down on a piece of scratch paper and have kept it ever since.

This is Mr. Mecham's comment to me....

"You'll miss these days... really. Well maybe not the days, but the stages that the kids are going through. I know you don't think so now but someday you'll miss helping with homework, soccer games, Halloween costumes and cutting the crust off of  PB&J's. Someday those years will just be photos on the wall and you'll wonder how it all happened so fast. Hug them twice as much today. Soon they'll be gone."

Every time I read it I get a little misty eyed. Just because it is so true. Ever since the day I read that beautifully written Facebook comment I have tried to stop and enjoy right where I am. No I don't always. But I make sure everyday to try.

Thing is, right now for me it is all happening too fast. My babies are growing up, and it does seem like yesterday they were the ones with the cute, loud,  little voices every one could hear through out the grocery store. I'm not sure how it happened but now I'm the lady telling the frazzled mom to enjoy that cuteness.

I want to tell her not to blink because too soon he will be this big, tall, hairy man, and you'll love this stage because he will start to hold the door for you, he will still make you laugh, only in a more grown up way and when you look at him you will see that sweet little boy he was but also see what a fine man he will be someday. And she will still be so cute you want to eat her up, but you will start asking her what shoes you should wear with your outfits, she will show you little glimpses of who she will become, and  it will make you proud, because you worked so hard to make her kind and strong, and respectful, and you will see that it is worth it. But you will also yearn for a chubby little hand in yours and wish you could go back to the days of Thomas the Tank Engine and pink plastic sparkly shoes. When a kiss and a hug made everything better and you could keep them safe with you.

That you will miss the days when none of you showered or got dressed and you will want someone to proudly give you a giant finger painting to hang on your wall.

And you will wish you knew back then that it's not worth the fight to get everyone smiling perfectly at the camera because you will still remember that day the same anyway.  

I know now I will miss these days right now too; the same way I miss being pregnant, miss nursing my very own little miracle in the dark, peaceful house in the middle of the night, miss sippy cups of milk, and tiny laundry to fold. I know now I will wish I had asked her one more time to tell us she was fowa (four) and wish I had had him say aculish (actually) one more time... because now I know how much I would miss those little voices. The way I  miss how they once both fit so perfectly in my lap for a story and how I wish I had seen the beauty in laying on the bed listening to them learn to read, wishing I had seen it as a privilege.

I know I will miss these days too.. and wish they hadn't gone by so darned fast. That I will look back wishing I had payed more attention, and simply relished in the fact that this is where I get to be right now.

As I have grown as a mother I have realized it will never get easy, but I have also realized I don't want easy, not really. Yes there are days I want to pull the covers back over my head and come out when life doesn't seem so exhausting. But I now know, I'd be missing some of the best years of my life, and some of the most important years of theirs. The hard times, the doubt and the worry are just a small piece of mommyhood.

The other pieces are what matters, like how in awe I still am that God trusted me with these amazing people. Or the times when I KNOW I am doing it right. The times when they show me these wonderfully kind people I am working so hard to raise. Being a mom has made me a better person, a more humble, more honest, more real person. It has also made me get to know myself so much better, I think that's what happens when you wear your heart outside of yourself.

I have a lot of mommying ahead of me, and there will be times when I wonder if we will ever make it through. But I also know I will look back on this time, right now with my kids and miss it. I know I will want this stage in our lives back too. I know I need to enjoy every moment I can, and to consciously make moments, both big and small,  that my children and I will look back on with joy.

I'm going to hug those kids three times as much today... because I know now too... soon they will be gone and these days will be missed.

Re posting for Fried Okra's Parent hood link up! There are some great posts about parenting. Stop by and check out all of the other linker!! ~Shelby

Happy enough...

I have been struggling lately with being where I am.

I am happy, I really am. I love my life and the people in it.  I have an amazing husband, a loving marriage and wonderful children. I have so many blessing and I do thank God for them everyday. But I sometimes feel like we have ended up in a place we're not suppose to be.

I guess what I am struggling with is the decisions we made while trying to find happiness. These decisions  didn't make me happy.... I ended up with the same level of happiness as before, maybe even a little less.

 I struggle to BE HERE NOW.

Take my house for example... I wish we had never moved into our current house, I wish my kids bedrooms weren't so far away. Even though I do love so much about this home.. I often think we would be happier in a smaller house, with less to care for, inside and out. With rooms closer to each other and less wasted space Space to store stuff that either isn't ours or stuff we don't need. With some neighbors for me and for the kids,  not living in a neighborhood can be isolating and lonely at times.

I wanted more space for stuff and more space between the kids and us, I wanted nicer and better and bigger, I wanted to get away from neighbors. Yes I wanted these things and I remember wanting them. But looking back I'm not sure I wanted them for the right reasons. I think part of us wanted what other people had. We thought we would be happier if.. we had a basement, if we had more storage, if we had more space, if we "moved up" like so many of our friends were.

I  thought if I got all these things I would be happier. I did not create more happiness, I did create more stresses, more work and more distance. The truth is I wish I would have been happy with less, with smaller, with simpler, I wish I had just been happy with what was mine.

We were happy enough then, I just didn't realize it. My eyes were on the future, on the bigger and better. It was on where we were going next... not where we were. I think I was striving for the perfect and didn't notice that where I was could be perfect, if I had looked at it right. I didn't think that it was possible to just be happy enough, to just be here now and not need to be happy-ER all the time.

The thing is... happiness isn't what you have or where you go. It won't happen because you are in a bigger, more beautiful house. It won't happen because of what you acquire or what you don't, it won't happen if someone else would only do thus and such.

You are happy because you decide to be happy. Because you decide to be thankful and content with what you have and where you are right now.

If I went back to smaller, simpler and closer would I be any happier? I don't know. Maybe... maybe not. Maybe in some ways and not in others.

What I do know is this... Happiness is who you have beside you. It is the absence of always wanting more or better or even different. Happiness is being where you are and being OK with that. It is being able to look at your life with love and appreciation. It is often a choice, sometimes a struggle, but always comes from within.

My split personality

Today my baby girl is off to the 6th grade...

 My baby boy started 8th grade last Wednesday...

I have a split personality when it comes to school starting in the fall.

I am always glad to get back in to a routine. I love the coziness of the weather changing, of shorter days and welcome my crock-pot back... I look forward to apples and pumpkins and snuggling up by the fire after a chilly soccer game. I miss my boots and scarves. I love the excitement of a new year and enjoy welcoming fall sports and earlier bedtimes. I always look forward to a little time away from the kids and it is always about time for them to have some time away from me and each other.

BUT...

I am not really ready for the lazy days of summer to be over. I am not ready to think about homework. I'm not ready for them to be gone all day. I'm not ready for other kids attitudes and ideas to rub off on my people. I'm not ready for girl drama. I'm not ready to say goodbye to sunshine, flip flops and quite days at home. I will miss the free feeling of summer. I'm not ready for it to start getting darker earlier. I'm not ready to say good bye to summer barbecues and pool days.

I feel so sad and so happy all at the same time. It feels right but not right.

By Friday I will feel like fall is where we are suppose to be, I will feel like myself again. I will be use to the quiet then the sudden chaos at 3:00. I will be thankful that I have time for me. I will be in my groove, we will be in the full swing of fall and our new routine and I will feel content and normal again.

  Until then I guess I just don't know how to feel....

So I will head to the grocery store and clean out a few cupboards...Maybe watch an episode of Hoarders on demand while I fold clothes. I will keep busy and throw myself into my new normal.

I just keep reminding myself today.....

Happy Tuesday. ~Shelby

Just a Thought...

Words I'm needing this week..

 Happy Tuesday!

Hello Monday!

Happy Monday! I'm linking up with Lisa Leonard for Hello Monday!

Hello date night!

Scott and I went to date night at the shooting range. It is one of my favorite dates! It's fun to get out and do something you don't always do. We have a list of new, fun a different dates.. I will share them someday!

 It was all fun and games until I got a shell casing stuck in my protective eye wear, it burned me! I got one down my shirt too. I told Scott I'm wearing a turtleneck next time! ;)

Dinner and a walk along the river then home to watch America's Got Talent (on DVR) with the kiddos.

French onion soup in an onion!       Saw this on our walk, apparently love is ahead. I'm a believer! ;)

Scott joined Doyle and I on our walk Saturday morning... It is so hot Doyle is dragging towards the end. He heads straight for the water dish and then his crate for a nap!

Our good friend were out of town and let us use their pool...

Scott and I watch Contagion Saturday night.. It was good. 

Sunday morning I did my affermation, coffee on the patio. Momma Gets Real recomended the book and I am so thankful! I started at the beginning.. because well, it's a very good place to start. It is fabulous, helps keep me grounded and content. Thanks Nicky! ;)

Scott took Conner and a friend to the movies and Maddie was at a friends so I went back to the pool..
a l o n e!

It was peaceful and calm and gave me some alone time which I have missed having the kids home all day. I have been feeling a little exhausted lately.. the questions, the arguing. This morning I read this post from 
Fried Okra and it brought tears to my eyes. After her reminder, I am feeling more like the mom I want to be and am thankful for happy, healthy, normal summer days. Thankful for the busyness, the noise, the messes and the constant of the household. I urge you to read it!!


Have a fabulous week!! 

Keeping it real....

I made a few changes to my blog. You see, I had set up an appointment to fancy up my blog a bit.... well then I backed my car into our RV in my drive way. So I decided I have no business paying to polish up my blog. Maybe i should pay to polish my backing ability.. ehem. Anyway.. with 2 cars in need of repair I had to decide to love my blogs imperfectness. So I played around on blogger to make it look new, to me! I even taught myself a few new tricks. Maybe some day I will get her some work done... but for now I must be content, which I am here... but everywhere else.....

Today is suppose to be WIWW. I am really struggling with this lately. I have put on 25 pounds this past year.. (This past year has had some really stressful moments!) I have been having a terrible time getting dressed, don't want to go buy new clothes because I am fat and am not loving pictures of myself. I think I really just noticed the past few weeks how much I gained... I guess I knew, I don't know... I'm sad because I have never been this heavy and I don't even recognize myself. Plus I see all these cute women in their cute clothes and it honestly depresses me.

With all that said... I won't quit. Yet. I have started exercising, I'm doing the 45 miles in July challenge and usually exercise makes me feel better. But somehow right now it is overwhelming me... because I already do not have enough hours in the day. Trying to find time to do it as well is stressing me out. I need new running shoes.. but oh wait... I wrecked 2 cars... so, yeah, I will wait.

Eating right is stressing me out just because I am stressed out, and when I'm stressed out, I eat... it's a vicious cycle. My house is in a shambles, my laundry is outa control and I feel behind in every area.  I backed my own car in to my own RV. Are you kidding me? I know it is because I feel so undone. But it just makes things worse.... I feel horrible about the trouble and cost of my stupid mistake.

I feel like I am always behind and I feel out of control. I feel like this is a pity party. I feel bad that you are reading it.

I honestly do try to see the joy and the good in my life but for some reason right now I feel like I can't. But I must. I want to be the mom my kids deserve and I said it last week.... A happy mom has happy kids. So I better get a grip. I think complaining is so unattractive... but well, sorry, I feel unattractive. I will be back to my happy self... I promise, I just need to get things into perspective.

Then a friend texts me with a great compliment about how sweet and polite my son is. A buck walks through my yard. Scott pulls me in close next to him while we watch TV. Maddie tells a silly story, in a way only Maddie can, that makes me smile. Doyle the dog gives me that look, that he understands and loves me... dog owners know the one. And I realize how silly I am being. How out of perspective I have gotten myself this week. How sweet and wonderful my life is and how I'm wasting it by being depressed about my weight. Yes, I weigh more than I'd like and more than I should. Yes I will stop feeling sorry for myself and get off my @$$ and do something about it.

First off I will get my house in order. I do know that if my house is undone I feel like my world is undone. I will keep exercising too.. I said I would and I can't let myself quit.  I need to establish some routine. I need to breathe deeply and focus on the big picture. I will relax and enjoy the rest of my summer, knowing soon fall will be in full swing... school, homework, soccer, cross country. I will miss these summer days.

So I don't have anything I wore this week.... The pictures were fuzzy and I put very little effort into WIW anyway, I know it would make me feel better if I did, so I will start again... 25 pounds and all.

Thanks for letting me rant... "talking out loud" always makes me feel better. It also helps me to see things clearer. I'm off to clean something, fold something and do some mileage. To breathe deep and put a stinking smile on my face!! ;)

I hope I haven't scared you all away.... I will be back... with something HAPPY tomorrow... promise.

Happy 4th of July Mantle

Happy 4th of July!! In honor of the 4th and due to the fact that I have had a house full of guests and took no WIWW photos,  I am linking up with Honey We're Home  for the 4th of July link party

I love to style my mantle with the seasons and the holidays. For me it is some what therapeutic. I have this blank space that I can play with. Usually with out spending any money.

In my new house I have red walls in the family room and I am amazed at how well they coordinate with most holidays and seasons. This mantle is one of my favorites yet!

Take a look..

I love how the red walls look with all my red. I worried because sometimes red on red doesn't work. The previous home owners chose this color. Most of their decorating choices I don't like, but this was a home run. If I can find the color, I will share it!

The fireworks were a craft show find. They would be so easy to make.  I found a bunch of great old jars at a garage sale and used them here.  I used cheerful daisies in the blue glass jars and filled the others with shells. I am a beach lover!

My mom went to the Oregon coast and brought me back some star fish... they tie in the beach and the 4th of July theme.

The books are from around the house. I use books in decorating they add the color and the height you need. Peek under the jackets of your hard back books.. you might be surprised at the colors you could use in your decorating.

The horse is a favorite find from TJ Maxx. I left him twice and when he was still there the third time I knew we were meant to be together! ;)

Some milk glass and a blue candle and the mantle is complete!

In between the apple pie and the fireworks today please stop and remember those who have sacrificed for our freedom. I am proud to be and American and I am so thankful for those who serve our country. My grandfather was a POW in Japan for almost 2 years. Tomorrow I will share his story of heroism.

This year my niece is in Afghanistan. She is a nurse in an ER unit. She will be away from her husband and two baby girls for a year. Talk about sacrifice. Thank you to Nichole and all the men and women over seas and all the heroic men and women that have come before them who serve our country and make sacrifices most of us couldn't even imagine and would never even consider.

Here is a picture from her  face book yesterday from Afghanistan. Proud Americans? Absolutely.

God bless America!!! Have a safe and happy 4th!

Happy birthday to me!!!

Yep... I am 37 years old today! I have never had a real problem with birthdays. In fact I have always loved them. My philosophy is this... my dear Grandmother lived a wonderful full life till one month shy of 95. So I can't start feeling old and dreading birthdays at 30, 35, 37. What a waste of years that would be!!

I have gotten so much wiser and stronger over the years. I have gained so much confidence as a wife.....

                  

and as a mother.

my first mother's day as a mommy of 2.

I have learned so much about myself. I have learned to just be me.

 I am learning to relax and live in the moment. To not sweat the small stuff and to really enjoy my life. So I welcome 37! The best is yet to be!!

Are you a AM or a WANNA BE?

When I started this blog back in November I wrote an About Me page. I didn't get it on the blog until last week (because I just figured out how!) I re read it and published it. Very proud of myself. ;)

 In one of the lines about me I stated "I'm a wanna be photographer, runner, cowgirl and writer... and was a wanna be blogger.... until now." When I wrote that statement I didn't give it much thought. I am a wanna be all those things. But for some reason today it hit me. I will 37 years old in a few weeks and I am still a wanna be. It almost made me cry. I began to think.... 

I know what I want, I know where I want to go, what's stopping me?

When am I going to fulfill these dreams? When is the right time for me to be who I want to be? When will I stop making excuses? When will I make it a priority? When will I find the time? When will I stop giving up on my dreams? If not now then when?

And then I made a decision.


When needs to change to NOW. I am going to change each one of those wanna be's to an I AM.


I already bought the boots and planted the garden! ;)

I started this blog almost as a dare to myself. I had thought about it for years... and then one day I realized I could go my whole life wondering if I could, wishing I had the guts to take that first step. Having this blog has been such a wonderful, albeit at times, frustrating, overwhelming experience for me. I have learned so much. I'm not a big computer person so my trial and error has taught me more than I had imagined. I still have so much learning to go. I am slowly working up towards telling people I actually know in person I have a blog. The fear of them hearing and seeing inside my head and world is scaring me a little less each day. I have more people looking at my blog each day than I ever imagined. 

I guess, I am at a point in my life where being afraid, embarrassed or intimidated is no longer an option.

So are you an AM or a WANNA BE?  What have you always wanted to do? Be? Accomplish? When is it going to be a good time?

Today is my time. I had better go get started.  ~Shelby

Just a Thought...

Just a Thought

"Fireproof doesn't mean that a fire will never come, but that when it comes you'll be able to withstand it."
Quote from the book: Fireproof ~By Eric Wilson, Alex Kendrick and Steven Kendrick

just a thought..

I heard this quote and had to share...

What do we really Honor?

Last week my son’s school had an honor roll luncheon. First off I do think children who make honor roll should be celebrated, most of them work hard and their hard work should be acknowledged.  At this luncheon there was pizza, cake and goody bag. My son was one of 3 children that did not make the honor roll.

So I packed him a lunch and he ate in the lunch room with the younger grades. I truly wanted to go and take him out of school a take him to lunch, to celebrate the fact that he worked hard and to show him he was as worthy as the other kids. He worked harder than he has ever worked to get a 3.0 and was left to feel like he was again, not good enough. To feel like he shouldn’t bother because he is still not as good as everyone else and no matter what he does it isn't good enough.

For a child like Conner to be one of 3 kids excluded can be dangerous. He sees a counselor to help him deal with his difficulties in school. After he quit turning in assignments we found out through his counselor that this was a big reason. He felt defeated. He was made fun of from some students because he couldn't go. As a result his self esteem and self worth took another hit.

I have kids on both ends, Maddie gets great grades and does extremely well in school, not everything comes easy for her but she doesn’t struggle by any means. She is confident and sure of herself. Conner on the other hand does not. He has a mild learning disability. He works twice as hard for half the grade, or doesn't try at all for fear of failure. He doubts himself all the time and doesn't think he is as good as everyone else. ( I will share more about his journey and ours someday.)

I have always worried that his struggles in school would change who he is. That it would break him. That all the wonderful and beautiful things we love about him would slowly fade as he began to feel more and more like a failure.

We pulled him out of public school right before Christmas. He now attends a small Christian private school. While the smaller, less chaotic atmosphere, and the kids not growing up to fast has helped, I’m still not sure if it is the right fit. I can see my husband rolling his eyes right now. Yes Honey, I suppose I won’t be happy anywhere and no one would be doing enough to help my child.

Sometimes I think home school is the answer. I’m pretty sure we would end up killing each other but I worry about the future for my sweet little boy. High school is right around the corner and I know he is not cut out to be there. I am certain his time to shine is not in school but as this wonderful adult, I know he will touch many lives and do amazing things in this life. I just have to make sure I get him to that point. 



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 I was texting a dear friend the other day. I was crying to her about my boy who can’t seem to do school like he “should”. She said, “There is a big difference between being smart and being a student.” This is so true. We need celebrate every child, not just the ones who can make the honor roll. God gave my boy amazing gifts, real gifts, special gifts. The gift of kindness, empathy, thoughtfulness, humor and wit, the gift to make each person he meets feel like they are important, the gift to talk to anyone, no matter who they are or where they come from. These are the gifts that matter in my eyes. The gifts I am afraid he will lose. The gifts I want people to see.

He isn’t gifted in academics or athletics, which I think our society today values most in children; I think we feel like as long as our kid gets good grades and is a heck of a ball player he is the cat’s pajamas. Don’t get me wrong I know many kids who get good grades and are athletic and they are still wonderful kids, my daughter being one of them; I just don’t see society emphasizing on the wonderful kid part. The qualities Conner has are the ones that will make him an amazing adult, a wonderful husband, boss or employee, and father, and I feel often they go unnoticed. Sadly until he gets through school he will continue to feel not good enough.

I honestly don’t know what the answer is. I wish I did. I have to to realize I may never know. I do know that for now we continue to try and push him just hard enough. To celebrate his gifts. To get him through today at school and deal with tomorrow as it comes. To not worry so much about his weaknesses but build up his strengths. And above all to love him for exactly who he is.

                                                      

I almost did not share this post. I felt it might be too personal. Then I thought of other Mommies, and Daddies who may have a beautiful child like Conner, who might benefit from hearing these words. To realize they are not alone. Each post I write is therapeutic for me in some way, this one was special.  I plan on rereading this post when I begin to feel discouraged and defeated and need to be put back in the direction of what is important to me, when I need things put back in perspective. When I feel like lecturing him on academics I hope I remember to stop and think of the qualities he was blessed with. The qualities I am blessed to have in him. Honestly, I wouldn't trade anything about him to be a better student.

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My hope is that he will stay exactly who he is, no matter what the world says, I want him to know he is my perfectly imperfect little Bubba.

 ~Shelby

Just a thought....

"Failed. There are plenty of others willing to call you a failure. A fool. A loser. A hopeless souse. Don't you ever say it of yourself. You send out the wrong signal, that is what people pick up. Don't you understand? You care about something, you fight for it. You hit a wall, you push through it. There's something you need to know about failure, Tintin. You can never let it defeat you."
~The Adventures of Tintin~

Where I belong

When my children were younger, as a stay at home mom, I got caught up in the doing of our world. I volunteered at school, I volunteered in the community. I was a mom on the go. It was fueled by an expectation of what a stay at home mom SHOULD do. We should be the ones at school, on the PTG, doing community service. Not much credit or esteem is put on the woman who just simply takes care of her family. I could feel people thinking... what the heck does she do all day!? "I'd get so bored" working moms would say to me. So much of the time I felt like I had to defend myself. Defend my decision to be home with my kids. And so I threw my self out there, not wanting my peers to think I was lazy. I believe it fueled my desire for perfection too. I thought, if I am home all day and the house isn't perfect, people will wonder what I do all day.

Somewhere along the line I think I just burnt out, or maybe I grew up a little and decided it's OK to "just be a mom." Or maybe God put his hand on my shoulder and told me too stop, to slow down and prioritize. I began to realize that I can't be everything to everybody. And that while my main priority was my family I was too tired and busy to let them be my main focus. I started to see that my children aren't benefiting from all this craziness. And I started to slow down.

I realize now that I had totally lost the point.. I was out there trying to convince everyone around me that I had as much worth as they did, and forgot why I was home in the first place. I stay home because I want to create a consistent environment of calm for my kids. I wanted to be the one who wiped their bottoms and noses. I kissed away the boo-boos and hugged away the fears.

I sometimes feel the pressure to back to work now that they aren't babies. I stay home now that they are older because I want to be here to hear about their day. I want to be at their games. I want to know their peers. I want to be here when the horrible day at school comes to a head and I am needed once again to kiss away the boo-boos and hug away the fears. Those growing children still need their Momma. They just need me in different ways now, no more bottoms or noses, but need me to be here as they try to make their way in this world. As they deal with heartaches, triumphs and disappointment. As they try and figure out who they are and who they will become. For the times when they lose their way and need someone to help the find it again. For when they become overwhelmed in the hectic outside world of too much too soon, they need that soft place to land.

I have plenty to fill my days. Thing is I enjoy making a home, and it is something I do quite well. I love being a wife, I am old fashioned in that  I want to take care of my husband, and let him take care of me. I love being a mother, the way I see some kids behave these days makes me more sure that my job is here. Over on Clover Lane she talks about Vintage Parenting, While I LOVE that term, and can identify with that style of parenting, it also makes me sad. It means that less and less parents are teaching the values that are most important, that wholesome family values have become "vintage."
I have struggled with my place in life on and off over the years. I am sure I will again. I think it takes real courage to be who you are. Over the past few months I have once again doubted my worth at home. But, I have come to realize that these almost teenagers need me just as much as they did before and my job here is not even close to being over. We have just begun a new chapter.

I am blessed that for me staying home is a choice. We don't need an extra paycheck. I realize many don't have that choice. Many do, and choose the paycheck. I respect that choice too, while it's not right for me, they too need to decide what is best for them and their family.

I have always known that if I did work outside of the home I would not be able to give to my family the way I want to. The way I feel I need too.

I could go back to work but when I think about it, nothing holds a candle to being here to make our home run smoothly, to have the energy to be a Mom that is present, or to be a wife that my husband can't wait to come home to.

I can honestly say I'd rather be here doing this than anything else. I don't feel like I have to convince others that I'm important anymore. I know I am. I know it shows in the people I am raising, in the strength of my marriage and the contentment of my own soul.

Seeking the Good

I have a 12 year old boy... if you truly know any boys that age you know they are insanely forgetful.

So this morning we leave the house to take the kids to school. As soon as we are up the road I hear the dreaded "oh no!" coming from my sweet little boy. "I forgot my science paper at home." I began to lecture, "You mean the one I asked you about last night?" "Why didn't you put it in your backpack" Then as I am turning around .."You're going to be late for school!"

Suddenly I stopped and thought... He did remember, maybe 4 blocks away from home but he DID remember. He also got himself up this morning, got himself dressed and started making his breakfast. He made his bed, straightened his room and opened his blinds with out me reminding him. He was kind and lovable, he gave his Mom a good morning hug, he gave his Dad a goodbye hug, he made plans to build a fort with his little sister. He got himself all packed up (science aside) and when he was all ready sat down in his favorite chair to read. And this whole time he is sitting in the back seat not the front because it's funner back there with his sister. Sounds like a dream kid, right?  In light of all that, so what if he forgot, then remembered, his assignment!!!

I back tracked and praised him for remembering. The thing is. the second he remembered that he forgot he knew he had messed up, he knew he should have put it in his backpack when I mentioned it, he knew he should have double checked before sitting down to read. He didn't need me to tell him all of this. He didn't need a lecture. He needed a little reminder. "Don't forget to double check your stuff before bed, good job remembering  it on your own."

Sometimes as a parent I feel the need to make a lesson out of every little thing. I lecture and give advise to every slip up and neglect to see the good, I forget to see the silver lining. I over react. I forget to think, "at least". At least he remembered now, At least she told me, At least it didn't break, At least they didn't get hurt. We probably all need to think of the at leasts and stop dwelling on the bad.

My kids are going to mess up, just like we all will, they will live and learn just like the rest of us. I am raising happy, healthy, kind, respectful, fun, and responsible little people. That is what I need to remember. What I need to see and appreciate. What I need to focus on.

I'm also thinking.... I might want to save my lectures for when they really need them or soon they are going to stop listening. All they will hear is my voice, AGAIN, probably sounding a little bit like Charlie Brown's Grandma.

So I am going to lay off on the lectures and appreciate what they do right, what they made beautiful, and pay attention to what they can teach me.

"When we choose to see and appreciate what is good and beautiful in our children, the goodness can't help but grow, and their beauty blossoms forth." 
~Katrina Kenison, The Gifts of an Ordinary Day~

Finding the Perfect in the Imperfect

My post yesterday was all about my pantry. I felt a little embarrassed, showing my pantry, it certainly doesn't look like those magazine perfect pantries you see on pinterest, or other blogs. It isn't any ones dream pantry. Nothing to drool over, probably nothing even blog worthy. But here's the thing, my life isn't perfectly perfect. I have unfinished rooms, piles that seem to reappear as soon as they disappear. I have big ideas for my house that will take me years to accomplish, not to mention to save for. But somehow this undone, mismatch, wish it was, will be some day, work in progress life is enough.

It's funny, this crazy competition we all take part in, sometimes with out even realizing it. We strive to be good enough, to have a pantry that is blog worthy, and the house that others will pin as their inspiration, when we should just be proud of and embrace what we have. We should be making our lives perfect for us, not to keep up with the Jones's, because quite frankly if we were to ever really got inside Mrs. Jones's closed doors, we would realize that she has problems, she has messes, and she is probably comparing her pantry to the  lady next door.

I'm not saying we shouldn't strive for better, we should. But we should not feel inadequate if we don't ever achieve better. Sometimes good enough really is good enough and sometimes better should get trumped by something more important. And sometimes we need to just step back and look at our pantries and say, "I like my pantry, perfect or not, it is mine and it is good enough. Just like me and just like you.

So, will I attempt to make all my baskets match in that perfect enough pantry? Yep! But until I do I will  love that pantry just the same. Sort of like I will love myself just the same.  I know I could be better in every aspect of my life, but I also now I'm pretty awsome just as I am.

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Tell yourself you are enough today, tell your pantry, tell your kids, tell Mrs. Jones. And then make them all believe it.